I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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