well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize