i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
