somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
