1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
