So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
