please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
