I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.