Where did you get a picture of my penis
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful