You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.