My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
