I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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