Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
