my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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