I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
