we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize