Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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