Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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