i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
