I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
