her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
