i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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