from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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