I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
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I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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