Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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