One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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