It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
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Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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