Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
