I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
