If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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