I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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