Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i believe in u and ur pee
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
