I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
