I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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