that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
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