i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
