I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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