FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
