At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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