Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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