There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
