he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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