while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
