No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
