a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That accounts for only three of the penises
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
