She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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