I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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