just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
