I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
