its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
