Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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