She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
