Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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