He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
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He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
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My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize