I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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