after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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