She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
